Slow surfacing

Darn pedal boats.

It took me all morning to psych myself up, because my vision is kind of poor with all these drops I’ve been putting in, and an intricate latticework of floaters coming through my visual field basically all the time. But I finally got out on my bike today. Twice around the park, even though I could have gone another round.

I went to my usual stopping point in the park, where I sit to contemplate for a while before the big effort of getting up the hill for the last time. Today, though, I found that this same spot is where they have set up the boat rental concession. No more staring off across the tranquil water, watching fish flop around. Now there are boaters, staffers fetching coffee for each other, waivers on clipboards to be signed. I need a new contemplative spot! There’s a really nice gazebo which I never approach because it always seems to be occupied by couples.

After the ride, I was too exhausted for words. I’d done everything right – not put sugar in my coffee, made myself a power brunch with kale and avocado in it, drunk a lot of water… and I didn’t feel even remotely energized. Today was my second day off Keppra, but I can’t tell if it was that that made me so exhausted, or my body being unaccustomed to strenuous exercise two days in a row (I hit the gym yesterday), having caffeine yesterday for the first time since last November (I went for coffee w a gym friend and plumb forgot to order it decaf!), or the fact that I was out at a rock show last night and didn’t get home until midnight.

You’ll notice I’ve gotten very good at examining exhaustively all of the possible reasons I might be tired. This is because Dr P’s nurse practitioners ask you these sorts of things when you call with any complaint. I find it’s helpful to have this data at the ready. Also, I’m hyper-aware of what’s going on all the time because last April, the only sign I had for weeks that anything was wrong with me was that I was tired and headachy all the time. That was literally it. It wasn’t until I began having trouble speaking that this seemed at all abnormal. And then, of course, it was brain tumors – a whole garden of them.

After my ride, I tracked down some salmon for dinner, because Young J finally decided he was willing to try it (YESSSSSS). He’s almost unrecognizable from the kid he was a month ago, even. He’s finally started using toothpaste, also, after refusing for ages. And tonight he sat with his guitar and practiced the three chords he learned in his three weeks of guitar class. (Young A is still out of control, randomly aggressive, and driving us all bonkers. He’s lucky he’s so cute.)

I am not even sure why I began this post – perhaps, as with all the rest of these posts, to have as a reference (in case things go bad again) that I did once feel up for biking, and if Future Me gets sick again, that would be good to remember. A year ago, before my lung biopsy, I rode three laps of the park. I’ll get there again. Maybe farther.

6 thoughts on “Slow surfacing

  1. Thank you Deb for this moving blog! I hope you will start getting stronger in the next days. And just to please me, the cranky almost 80 family patriarch, try some ACV in your salad tomorrow. I think you will like it! With love, pa


  2. I can really empathise with your logic re the tiredness, especially when you feel you have done everything right! Its a balancing act without a doubt – I still err on the side of it being better to try and do a little bit of excercise every day.. It’s better for the mental health as well as the physical! Is there an e mail address I can contact you on – I would love to ask you a couple of questions about some of the side effects I have been having. (if you wouldn’t mind)


  3. Good post, Deb! Tell Young J he has a fan up north here. 🙂 L and I are all learning guitar also and sometimes it feels like we still only know three chords. Good luck finding a new spot. Or maybe in finding tranquility again in the same spot? 🙂


    1. There have been bands propelled to early and disastrous stardom who only had three chords between the two guitarists, so I guess that is both inspiring and a cautionary tale!

      The boat landing will get really quiet in winter. Unfortunately, then it will be too cold to ride and way too cold to sit on benches for long. I’ll scope out another spot. Or… rent a boat and get away!


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