If you aren’t bewildered

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puzzle-door-closed.jpg, by r. nial bradshaw on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons

My first post coming off of Lorazepam dreams. Be gentle with me as I sort out language.

I’m talking to the boss this week. She needs to know what’s up. She also lives close to my house, so am hoping she can meet nearby, in lieu of us each traveling an hour by train to talk. I’m also considering going to my staff meeting to talk to my colleagues. But not sure yet what I’ll tell them as far as my employment status. Boss meeting first. I do need to and want to let everyone know what is up with me, because so few know.

The kids were lovely today but I think enough got to be enough. I’m hoping if I can regain strength at home I can be a more engaged presence. They need that from me. Not a crashed out sleeping mom.

Sleep is tough. It seems to wind up around 4:30 or 5 and then I’m wide awake until late afternoon. The afternoon nap needs to happen by Lorazepam force, and even the force isn’t strong enough to vanquish the power of my phone, sometimes.

I learned this morning about something I’d like my family to go do next February. A trip, but not only. The costs are prohibitive and it just feels crass to think about on a day so many have lost so much in Nepal. I am standing by to direct a donation there. Please speak up if you know best source.

But I cannot help myself, and am conceiving of a Kickstarter that might make this work. I love the idea of most people giving $20 apiece and facilitating something extraordinary for us. There is some time pressure to sign up for the trip before it fills, too, so that makes this all very urgent. I’m hoping that by tomorrow I have either found a road ahead or been able to write this off as today’s obsession, to be replaced with tomorrow’s. We shall see.

In the meantime, J ordered me a new laptop I’ve been coveting, and I am halfway through some lyrics for a rap song about my cancer drugs. (Life is weird and keeps happening and what is bad about that?)

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